Looks like my plans for world domination are coming along nicely! Since setting up this Google Analytics thingie some months back, I'd largely forgotten about it, to be honest. While it is indeed gratifying to know that a fair few people are actually reading this stuff, I think I mostly do it for the act of doing itself - keeping my hand in on the writing thing, and also just a kind of diary for my own future reference, and inevitable senility and/or nervous breakdown.
Its a fascinating place though, if a tad narcissistic; not so much the bog-standard stuff, like page views and so on, but the more esoteric reports it offers. I particularly like the maps!
The above is a map showing visitors from the planet 'Earth' (Sol III), over the last month, divided by country. Their 'USA' is top, followed by the UK ("Gentlemen! The Queen!") , Canada, New Zealand, and Ireland. It just goes to show that writing things in someone's primary language is a good bet, and also that The Internet is quite an American place, despite me not actually living there in the slightest and consistently spelling 'colour' strangely!
Zooming in on the USA shows the states, and the top ranking there is California, Texas, New York, Ohio and Illinois. I'm not sure what that means to be honest, not being especially familiar with any of those, although I may have slept though all of them on a Greyhound bus once.
There is a further level of zoom available, to the city level, but I wouldn't want to single anyone out or embarrass anyone! I suspect that is actually showing me the town that your nearest ISP network hub thingie is in, rather than postal addresses, and in any event, it doesn't attach any user info to the town at all, making it all surprisingly awkward to come and visit you and watch you while you sleep. Suffice to say, doesn't anyone actually use the northern 90% of Canada's landmass?
I'm not sure if all this Analytics stuff includes people who rely solely on RSS readers to glance at my crazed meanderings. I deliberately make the whole of each post available on those, rather than go with the 'after the jump' thing, partly because I am actually trying to crash your readers with massive walls of text, and partly because if I can't be bothered to click, I don't see why anyone else would! In my defence though, I am kind enough to only use thumbnails for the pics, rather than shunt entire 1600x1050 Bitmaps of how just-like-everyone-else's, my cool internet spaceship looks!
There's also a whole suite of of gubbins there for 'Converting Goals', which is probably Business Speak for something Advertey. Not sure anyone needs to worry about that on this site any time soon. I don't even pimp my own RMT efforts!
Oh all right, all right, I know...I'll get on with the Humorous Search Terms bit then...
One, two and three were 'van hemlock' (Hey! That's me!), 'importance of advertising' (A post that I'm going to have to delete as it contains nothing of use to Marketing Professionals, and is probably tantamount to Rick-Rolling), and 'eve exploration'. That last is very wishey-washey overview stuff, so look out for a proper guide of sorts, soon. Here to help!
'doing hair games' was only fifth this month, which I think is Progress! It seems that my Google Supremacy in that field has at last been supplanted by this peculiar 'craze', which as far as I can make out, is a more genteel version of Happy Slapping. Let me know how that works out for you!
Honourable Mentions:
"the illuminati" "eve online" - I'm not sure EVE needs an Illuminati type conspiracy really - everyone is out to get you in there!
"how many different types of hemlocks are there" - Answer: Many. There's Flippant Hemlock, Ranty Hemlock, Over-Analysis Hemlock, Behind-The-Times Hemlock, Jaded Hemlock, Self-Referential Hemlock, and my favourite, Rambling Hemlock!
"9 pieces of 8 pirates" - Which will only work if one pirate is cut into two bits. Ninjas on the other hand, are indivisible.
"demons that transfer power that activates when angry or being hurt" - I sincerely hope this is a gaming query...
"eve online should battleships orbit" - In general no. Orbiting helps when you are smaller than your target, and much faster. A Blaster/AC/Pulse BS with MWD may benefit *slightly* orbiting another battleship at optimal, but most BS simply can't travel fast enough to cause significant tracking troubles, or escape much missile blast damage. Might as well just concentrate on Keep At Range (optimal), suck it up, and make sure your own weapons are hitting as hard as possible.
"sand ice lava sandbox game" - It must be nice to know what you want with such precision. I'm not sure I helped, but it does sound awesome, whatever it is!
"quantum graphical improvements" - Early hunting about for details of the GeForce 94500 'Omega' series, clearly. Using Quantum Technology, this device may even be able to run EQ2 on Maximum settings, but is likely to dangerously bend time and space around itself unless water-cooled, or preferably liquid nitrogen!
"playboy the mansion clothing textures" - ur doin it wrong!
"overseer torqua is hard" - Not so much a query, as a cry for help, this one. The Torcastra Prison Hunter Boss is indeed, very hard, and will need a lot of help, or a lot of extra levels, mostly down to the insane damage reflection he puts out. I have visions of some poor gamer slumped in front of their PC, 5am, sun rising, red eyes, absolutely and totally drained of spirit; the epitome of defeat, encapsulating his plight on one simple search term. I hope he found help, both with Torqua, and in general...
"on which ship do i get the most profit puzzlepirates" - Such clinical precision. Its a game about Tetris, little lego-like people who are incapable of frowning, going 'Arrr!' a lot, and is more or less free to play. You have to admire the determination one who would treat it like EVE. Presumably the answer is a player ship, aboard which are players who work as a team and know what they're doing.
"hemlock to kill yourself" - An enquiry of only academic interest, I hope, real Hemlock is indeed a poisonous plant, and features often in classical Greek literature as a popular way of ending one's life. Don't try that at home! Used irresponsibly, Vans can also kill!
And my favourite:
"huge archway which only let people of good nature, game" - Not entirely sure which game this is, but this is an obvious second go at getting the facts; note the ', game' qualifier. Clearly the previous attempt had resulted in an unsatisfactory number of webpages describing the Pearly Gates of Heaven. I hope I was more helpful somehow!
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to a focus group meeting where I hope to learn how to increase my Ecuadorian web presence!